The last few days have been hard days. I finally cried. I hit a small breaking point and it's not a comfortable thing- to break. Sometimes, just when you least expect it, life overwhelms.
It all started when I decided to unpack boxes. I dove in, despite my fear of what could be lurking within. You see, these boxes had been outside, exposed to all kinds of creepy crawly creatures for about six weeks, and that terrified me. These boxes were here because we (my husband and I), picked up and moved out of our home, out of our community, out of our state, and dared to chase our dream. We bought a farm in Tennessee, leaving our comfort zone behind. Now, back to the boxes. I was basically on the verge of a melt down. I had rubber gloves on up to my elbows and shoes that were sure to squish anything that tried to fight back.
I am not a spider person, if you’re not picking up on that.
Before long I realized that this task of unpacking was far worse in my head than in real life. Sure, I came across some dead spiders in the boxes, and yes, even a few of them were brown recluses (dead ones!), but I was cruising. As a matter of fact, without realizing it, I had at some point even taken off my rubber gloves.
That is, of course, precisely when I was reminded that I might never be able to let my guard down here, in the place I had dreamed of, ever.
As I was reaching into a drawer in the kitchen, a very much alive brown recluse scurried out from underneath the very tupperware lids I was messing with.
And I was without my gloves!
I calmly killed it. I didn't scream. I didn't freak out. I just grabbed a meat tenderizing mallet and eliminated the threat.
But after it was dead, I found it hard to keep unpacking. This was, actually, exactly what I was afraid of. And I was rattled.
MY FEAR WAS REAL. THE EXACT THING I DIDN'T WANT TO HAPPEN, HAPPENED.
And of course, once you know they're there- the spiders and the bad thoughts- they're everywhere. My skin was crawling and my head was racing. I had had enough. Between the ticks on the dogs- which seem to be constant- and the killer spider encounters, I just couldn't even LIVE here anymore! And I had hardly even moved in and I was ready to pack up my dreams.
So yes, I cried. It was literally just about one minute, but I went in my room and let myself just have a minute. I missed my big, clean, house in Nevada with no spiders, and I longed for the dream house I will someday build here.
I WANTED THE PAST OR THE FUTURE, BUT NOT THE PRESENT. DEFINITELY NOT THE PRESENT...
I cried, and I questioned. What am I doing here? Who do I think I am? This farm life is NOT me.
But then I recovered. I recovered before anyone had even noticed I had broken. But it happened.
And then God granted me peace and reminded me that HE'S got me. He reminded me of who I REALLY am.
I'M NOT A COUNTRY GIRL, OR A CITY GIRL. I'M A GIRL OF GOD. THE REST IS ALL DETAILS, RIGHT?
I find that there really are just so many moments in our lives where we really have to choose to put on our big girl panties and carry on. Don't you agree? This was absolutely one of those moments. I had to take a deep breath, realize that people live in the south every single day and do not die from spiders...
So the day went on, the emptying of boxes continued, and after a while, I was back to unpacking without gloves again.
Sometimes you've just got to live life on the edge, you know?
So this Girl of Gods’, chose to live present today, pressing through my very real fears, doing the hard work necessary to live my dream.