More than anything, from the core of my being, I want to tell you how great I’m doing. I want you to believe that I’m strong. I want you to believe that my life is wrapped in a pretty red bow, so the spotlight is on you and your painful emotions. Oh, how I long to be a pillar of hope in the midst of your own personal crisis. In fact, as I began this whimsical journey into the pandemic circus, I came to the conclusion that everyone else’s suffering is way more important than my own. People are struggling financially, becoming sick, and even dying. This is the reality of what our world is experiencing, so how can what I feel even matter? All of this is so huge. What I feel is so small in comparison. In fact, when I’ve tried to validate my own suffering, I’ve allowed more feelings of shame to enter in.
THE TRUTH IS, I’M NOT OKAY
It feels as though Covid-19 has taken hostage my daughter’s wedding experience. It has taken away the joy I imagined I would feel as the mother of the bride. Because of the calm my daughter (the bride) has displayed through all of this, I’ve allowed myself to feel shame. Why can’t I just get over it? She is getting married regardless, so why am experiencing so much grief?
LETTING GO OF THE DREAM
After weeks and months of planning, the event many moms dream of for their daughters has been sabotaged by fear, uncertainty, and social distancing. Don’t get me wrong; I understand. Ultimately, the marriage is still happening between God, Rachel, and Cole. But the event and activities itself may look totally different. And this is where my heart is grieving. All the social interactions, the “girly moments,” the gatherings, the shopping trips, the in-person planning shenanigans, and the daughter-doting sessions have been hijacked and replaced with questions: Will the venue allow the wedding to take place at the facility? How many people are allowed to attend? Will everyone be so full of fear that they won’t want to attend? Will my daughter feel the peace and joy on her wedding day that she deserves OR will she be full of grief and fear for the guests that choose to attend? Will all the fun activities and attention be replaced with covid stories and pandemic highlights? I wish I could tell you that I have moved on from my pity party or provide you with wise counsel, but then I would be lying to you and to myself. The truth I want you to hear is….
YOU AREN’T ALONE
My hope in writing this is NOT to downplay the financial sufferings, illness, and deaths that are taking place. My desire is to validate the loss of events that may have been cast to the side in your own life: your child’s graduation, a daughter’s wedding, an uplifting conference, and all the functions sabotaged by the pandemic crisis. I want you to know that I see you; I’m grieving alongside you. I care about your community and the celebrations that once were. And, I want you to know you aren’t alone. We are created to live life together in community! Is there the loss of a memory-making event you are grieving? I would love to simply be “with” you during your own grief. Let’s embrace being created to connect with one another by offering comfort and hope during this season.
Written By Holly Hall