I always wonder what my future might hold. I wonder if things will ever change, and if so, will it be ENOUGH?
A little bit about me; I am the wife of a recovering addict and have often labeled my husband as “not ENOUGH”, my marriage as “not ENOUGH,” and where my life will end up, as “not ENOUGH.” It is so easy to get caught up in our world and what we see on television and social media, and quite frankly, right in our own circle of friends. I have found myself pondering, “If only I had a husband that didn’t drink.” Like, that is my ONLY issue in life, and without the existence of that ONE thing, everything would be perfect? HA! For me it has been so easy to point the finger at my husband and his mistakes. I have spent the last few years in this horrible cycle of convincing myself I am perfect and have it all together and if my husband would just “get it together” our marriage could be ENOUGH. Funny thing though, I have had it all wrong.
I was in such a dark place; I finally reached out for help and sought counseling from women I could let my guard down with and trust with “my stuff.” It was hard. Some days a lot harder than others. Sometimes I wished I could just divorce and move on. Thankfully, I have been reminded from my close “girl tribe” that I am ENOUGH, my marriage is ENOUGH, and my husband is ENOUGH.
My tribe has been there through the victories, the trials, and the worst storms with me. They helped me look at myself and uncover things deep down I have been ignoring. They saw me in the raw ugliness. You see, I struggle with a thing called “control.” I tend to want things my way. I have also discovered I am very codependent and have always thought I was “helping” my husband by making him feel guilty about his mistakes. In reality, I was so insecure that my controlling nature took over and caused a lot of damage. I have learned I am not responsible for “his stuff,” and he is not responsible for mine. This shift in me doesn’t mean I have become a woman who enables, it means I have entrusted my husband to God, and have learned the freedom of letting go of my need to fix or change another human being for my own comfort.
I could go on and on, but ultimately what I hope you see in my story if you are reading this, is the simple fact that life is not easy and we are NOT meant to do it alone. We need the love, support, courage, and help of others to guide us through the storms. We need community to recognize we are ENOUGH right where we are, right as we are. Get yourself a tribe of women who will be honest enough to dig into the mess with you. I am so thankful my tribe helped me to see my husband and my marriage are ENOUGH and to push through and not give up! We all fall short from perfection, but we are all ENOUGH to pick ourselves up and keep moving forward.